tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19629500172212820862024-02-29T01:50:00.424-05:00A Day In The Life of A Teen Nightlight.various scraps of a student/musician/runner/writer/vlogger's life.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.comBlogger615125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-28096536249678469912018-08-09T21:30:00.003-05:002018-08-09T21:30:57.686-05:00still breathing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
@25<br />
<br />
now 6 years detached from teenage-dom<br />
<br />
and adding text once again to this time capsule<br />
<br />
hello out there<br />
<br />
for the past several years i've contemplated deleting parts of my past internet self c. 9, 10, 11 years ago -- namely my old youtube channel, this blog<br />
<br />
they're embarrassing in ways -- filled with half-baked philosophical musings, way-too-personal tales of anxiety that eerily foreshadow the more intense encounters with anxiety that i've been dealing with for the past couple of years, negative attitudes towards my mother, hilariously dated i-can-haz internet speak, a remarkably inflated ego 2/2 my faint one-time youtube stardom<br />
<br />
but then i find detailed glimmers of my past self that are more beautiful and vivid than i could possibly remember<br />
<br />
10/20/2008 - a note following my last piano lesson with my piano teacher of 9 years. the last note i played for her was an A<br />
6/18/2010 - the day i got my digital piano (which is currently sitting to my immediate right in near perfect condition [but the Bb3 is busted from a particularly intense performance in college])<br />
8/7/2011 - the day i broke up with my first serious girlfriend and learned that my best friend's dad had lung cancer<br />
<br />
-<br />
<br />
8/9/2018<br />
things are good if not great<br />
+ bachelor's degree in english (2015)<br />
+ master's degree in communication sciences and disorders (2018)<br />
+ impending engagement to the love of my life<br />
+ cat (maine coon named sal; 2017)<br />
+ first gainful employment starting in september<br />
<br />
& i'm preparing to enter the studio on saturday to record a new short album<br />
<br />
for old time's sake:<br />
<br />
1) Wild Nights (me trying to sound like Bruce Springsteen)<br />
2) Fire to Fire (me trying to sound like Bruce Springsteen and John Maus at the same time)<br />
3) Everything I Own (me trying to sound like Women)<br />
4) I Had A Nightmare (me trying to sound like a band I was in c. 2013)<br />
5) Blender (me trying to sound like free-jazz)<br />
6) Type of Degree (me trying to sound like Sediment Club and Sun City Girls at the same time)<br />
7) Counterstrain (me trying to sound like Merchandise and Bruce Hornsby at the same time)<br />
<br />
i still love you<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bDgOwX72fLI" width="560"></iframe>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~-~</div>
</div>
Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-25260664691829827262014-03-17T02:35:00.003-05:002014-03-17T02:36:09.117-05:00eerie<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
a bit eerie seeing myself write here two years ago, starting off my job. still at old navy. still in college. still with gianna. nothing has really changed at all in the past two years, except now i'm on antidepressants and my grandmother is dying. my dog is dying, too. both of cancer. but otherwise, it's like time has frozen. hoping to land an internship this summer. npr. slp. penguin. none of the above... god forbid. i don't know what awaits me after college. maybe nothing - more of the same. maybe time will freeze once again and two years from now i will, again, find myself in the same spot.<br />
<br />
i wrote a poem but i won't share it here.<br />
<br />
- jay</div>
Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-43575222746343526352012-07-15T22:01:00.001-05:002012-07-15T22:01:47.496-05:001)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
[dear ---,<br /><br />the stiff actors. the stiff self. the crumbling body. no joy anywhere. the words form an expansive farm where nothing grows. all the crops are blank pieces of paper. curling upwards and rotting.<br /><br />i saw a girl today. she was floating on a lake. her hair formed ribboned streaks of blue and white. her black dress flowed in the wind and only lightly dampened in the water. she hummed a quiet tune.<br /><br />i still<br />
<br />
feel<br />
<br />
nothing.]<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-39108289322097076512012-06-29T23:17:00.003-05:002012-06-29T23:17:32.620-05:00sweet pastoral nothings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
to think that we were just here, sitting together on the rocks of a river - a clear day. before us was the stream, the mountains, and infinity, all wrapped into a narrow passage carved out by thousands of years of currents. but now i'm still here and you're back home - three hundred hours away. and before we know it, this river will freeze over but both of us won't be here to see it in the winter. sure, we will be together again, but far away from this place. we won't have any means of getting here. and the nightmare begins, the thought that we might see this infinite backdrop in the summer again, but never in the winter.<br />
<br />
and the water of the river folds and refolds itself - over and over again.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-23492083242879797232012-06-29T20:16:00.002-05:002012-06-29T20:17:20.978-05:00what june was like<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<i>"trevor's doing the right thing... he's got his hand over his heart."</i><br />
<br />
my mom's watching the local high school's class of 2012 graduate for the fourth or fifth time on public access. melissa sings the national anthem, tyler makes a speech, and so on...<br />
<br />
i've started a new job. part-time sales associate at old navy. it's not that bad -- the people are friendly and helpful, the work is simple but enjoyable, and i'm not isolated from the rest of the world as i earn money, unlike my last job as a custodian at a storage place.<br />
<br />
<i>she's changed the program to i love lucy. my mother's calling her mother. </i><br />
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<br /></div>
i wish i had a blank CD. but i used them all up. to make + sell compilation discs for the shows i've been playing. the shows were great, by the way. finally capturing a lot of energy in my live performance, primarily thanks to nick, my drummer friend. but due to a lack of transportation, i don't know if i'll be doing anymore this summer, which is sad.<br />
<br />
just about an hour ago, i released a new split EP with my friend Eliot (Bloodsport). we made ambient/noise/experimental songs for this release. it's harsh and difficult at points, but it's balanced out with quiet and peaceful bits. give it a shot by clicking the album art below:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://cheesuscrustrecords.bandcamp.com/album/waitin-for-that-warm-feeling-to-return-split-ep"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv7_qEokE5mz7oTnSmWgXdYA2SOpsoFeJ0g2ugj2fW3EWO6XFdCDmYAuCnuUK1LrN7jsqcuGvrZAfPuu94UhEsCR-qVZ8zS8tX31Rek6iwrOX5WYzopscvleOLqagG_JcgvLY634KaQuE/s320/457270816-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
the cool part is that we're selling this on cassette. if you're interested, let me know somehow and i'll let you know when the tapes are ready.<br />
<br />
and that's been June for me.<br />
<br />
i'm going.<br />
<br />
goodnight.<br />
<br />
<i>goodnight.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-45467639504096470952012-06-02T09:05:00.001-05:002012-06-02T09:05:34.667-05:00Black Rice (Women cover)Posted a cover. One of my favorite songs right now. Word up.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://soundcloud.com/videosforpictures/black-rice-women-cover?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=blogger&utm_content=http://soundcloud.com/videosforpictures/black-rice-women-cover">Black Rice (Women cover)</a>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-78144971254590460852012-05-28T01:09:00.002-05:002012-05-28T01:10:04.906-05:00[pictures from today]<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-12479632748313275662012-05-08T15:54:00.002-05:002012-05-08T15:54:45.931-05:00PLUS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
another new song.<br />
<br />
thx <3<br /><br /><iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="http://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F45648042&show_artwork=true" width="100%"></iframe></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-57037135588820132692012-03-15T22:33:00.002-05:002012-03-15T22:33:29.465-05:00[New Song: Dried Out]<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We uploaded a new song with the hopes that some people might listen to it. It's a 3-minute indie-folk-rock-thing about desertion.<br />
<br />
It'll be on the album that we hope to release at some point before the fall.<br />
<br />
You can listen and download below for free. Because we believe in that kind of thing.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<object height="81" width="100%"> <param name="movie" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F39913132">
</param>
<param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always">
</param>
<embed allowscriptaccess="always" height="81" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F39913132" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="100%"></embed> </object> <a href="http://soundcloud.com/videosforpictures/dried-out">Dried Out</a> by <a href="http://soundcloud.com/videosforpictures">videosforpictures</a> <br />
<br />
<3<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~-~</div>
</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-28267429421407792152012-03-14T02:13:00.000-05:002012-03-14T02:23:35.896-05:00A music rant. It's been awhile.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Over this <i>two-week (!)</i> spring break, I've been sleeping between 4 and 5AM each morning and waking up between 1 and 2PM. It's an awful sleep schedule, but I've accepted it as unavoidable. Day in and day out, I'm finding myself either recording, producing, writing, buying, or discovering music. Nothing more, nothing less. Everything's revolving around music, and I'm getting loads done as a result. By the same hand, it's driving me remotely insane. In a good way.<br />
<br />
I've been forgoing sleep and constantly musicing because I <i>know</i> that time is of the essence when I'm home. Time is the medium I'm working in when I make music, and I know that I don't have very much of it before I have to go back to school for another 9 weeks. Once I'm back at school, there'll be no time for this stuff. I have to get as much done as musically possible now. I'm not rushing this full-length album at all, and neither is Jeremy. But it's giving the whole project a sense of urgency, spontaneity, and immediacy, which is something I've long desired to capture in a recording anyways.<br />
<br />
So fuck sleep, and long live pursuing a passion like it's your last day on Earth, I guess.<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
These are songs and the order that we're thinking of placing them in:<br />
<br />
1. Dried Out<br />
2. Unclothed, Uninvited<br />
3. The Drop (pt. 1)<br />
4. Propeller<br />
5. From A Line<br />
6. Interlude<br />
7. T.V. Snow<br />
8. +<br />
<br />
Bits have been recorded for all eight of these songs. Over the next couple of days, I'm going to be focusing solely on recording the remaining parts. I'll worry about mixing over the summer. Mixing's going to take a while anyways - we're not just dealing with piano and vocals anymore. Now it's guitar, piano, cello, drums, banjo, vocals, and noises. Thank God Jeremy's here to finally push the project to expand its sound with an array of new instruments; we're looking at a much folkier release this time around. At the same time, there are some tracks that veer on post-rock and even shoegaze. It's still very much a diverse, do-whatever-the-fuck type project. But it's becoming a bit more focused, which I approve of a lot.<br />
<br />
While we're back at school, we hope to complete the writing for this album. We're shooting for 10 or 11 tracks in total.<br />
<br />
I'm most worried about promotion with this release. Now that I've finally given up the YouTube ghost, I'm wondering how I'm going to generate interest in what I make. I've been pursuing a couple of outlets (namely a couple of subcommunities on SoundCloud), but I need something more. Someone suggested that I try mutual promotion, like: a band pimps videosforpictures, videosforpictures pimps a band in return. This strategy would work to an extent, I'm sure, but I don't know how effective my attempts would be. Another idea came to mind that I'd compile a list of 100 music blogs and labels to send an e-mail out to in advance, saying "Hey - we've got a full-length here. Blah blah blah. Check it out." But I don't want to spam people's inboxes. I'm sure they get enough of that as is.<br />
<br />
I guess part of the problem with the music world is that you have to be either ubiquitous or lucky. One path requires a lot of effort to get your name "out there," the other path requires almost no effort. If I could put on a proper live show, I would so try for ubiquity. But instead, videosforpictures is that project that will just have to keep working in the digital shadows until a big name comes through and says "Hey. We like what you do." And from there, the listeners start coming. I know that. But how the fuck do I <i>get</i> there?<br />
<br />
It's a question that will either answer itself with time or will leave videosforpictures in a state of permanent obscurity. Either way, music is something that I really like to do, and I'll only give it up when I'm dead.<br />
<br />
In other news, I still smell like smoke from the bonfire earlier today.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~-~</div>
</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-85888126383629090342012-03-12T02:04:00.003-05:002012-03-12T02:21:14.217-05:00Never mind.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
Remember when this blog was called 'A Day In The Life Of A Teen Musician?' Well. I'm still 19, and still technically a <i>teen</i> musician. And about 1800 days later, I can safely say that we made it. I started this blog when I was 14 with a few covers in mind and the beginnings of a few songs. And now, after 4 EPs and a 16-track compilation, I'm going to release my first proper full-length in the summer (with a friend, of course. videosforpictures has doubled in size). If I had known this was where I'd be 5 years ago, I'd be pretty shocked. I don't have a substantial fanbase at all, but I've put out a lot of music. 5 years ago, I thought recording in a studio was the only way to commit music to tape. I didn't think that I'd ever record more than a couple of songs. I've since put out 40 songs, and recorded probably close to 100. That's huge.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's a personal legacy.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And I'm pretty proud of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And who knows what the next 5 years will bring?</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Fuck it, maybe I won't take this blog down after all.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
No. I'm going to start talking again. </div>
~-~<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="300" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/d7woqQdgP-4" width="300"></iframe></div>
</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-27759207798162265032012-02-28T02:05:00.003-05:002012-02-28T02:05:44.247-05:00listless<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
for the last<br />
few days i've felt listless.<br />
<br />
going through<br />
the motions living life day<br />
<br />
in and day out<br />
<br />
that i might trudge up to the fourth<br />
floor even though i live on third<br />
and as i realize<br />
<br />
and as i realize my mistake<br />
and start walking back down<br />
the fire alarm goes off<br />
and i can't even tell<br />
if i pulled it.<br />
<br />
day<br />
<br />
in and day out</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-40960650636798751952012-02-16T02:41:00.002-05:002012-02-16T02:43:07.654-05:00The End Of This Blog.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm shutting "A Day In The Life of A Teen Nightlight" down on March 20th, the 5-year anniversary of my first post here.<br />
<br />
It's run its course: as a blog, as a site for my poetry, as everything else that I may have used it for.<br />
It's served me well.<br />
It's time for something else.<br />
<br />
There's quite a bit of history running in the annals of this blog...<br />
My first legitimate recording session.<br />
The end of my piano lessons.<br />
My first trip to NYC and how heavy that was.<br />
Seeing Jeff Mangum live. Holy shit, seeing Jeff Mangum live.<br />
Writing down every single song idea I had coursing through my veins in those first days where I figured I would try songwriting...<br />
Talent shows.<br />
How I never won a single talent show.<br />
And how I still kind of resent that.<br />
A<i> lot </i>of poetry.<br />
And so many other assorted thoughts and pieces all rearranged into an organized space.<br />
<br />
And I'm just going to throw it away.<br />
<br />
I am what some people might call "temporally obsessed." I don't like looking back on things that I've done from a few years ago, because the past always feels like yesterday to me. As a result, I become aware of my present mortality and a mini-existential crisis ensues. It seems silly, because it is. But time genuinely bothers me. I think I've made that clear in many of the posts I've made here over the years... This blog is just always going to be here if I don't do something about it. I'm having similar feelings towards my YouTube channel right now. These things that I've created will sit and serve as pleasant nostalgia, but more prominently as a sign that I'm only getting older.<br />
<br />
I just want to exist outside the context of the Internet. I really do. I want to start going places, networking with people, finding shows to play at, being creative with friends. To not have the fleeting thought of maintaining a *PRESENCE* linger over my head every time I visit a website.<br />
<br />
Writing on here's done a lot for me. It's helped me document and track my progress into becoming a person who can write, record, produce, and release music, who can musically collaborate with others, who can jot his mind onto a piece of paper whenever he wants to. Who can, once in a while, dream big.<br />
<br />
So it's time that I wrap things up and put it to sleep. I'll be blogging in a notebook from now on.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone who's been following over the years, if there are any of you left at this point. I love you a lot.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~-~</div>
</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-10688730133392490582012-02-14T02:56:00.000-05:002012-02-15T00:46:50.519-05:00Notes..---<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b>Beats hour:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Burial - Loner<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Young Magic – Jam
Karet<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lapalux – Moments<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">Fresh Arcade - </span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">٩</span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">(•</span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'MS 明朝', serif;">●</span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">)</span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">۶<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Goth-Trad
– Anti-Grid<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Dream
Consequence – B Free<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Portico
Quartet - Ruins<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Ambient hour:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Grouper – Demona (Dead Moon cover)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lotus Plaza – These Years<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lapalux – Face Down, Eyes Shut<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Julianna Barwick – Never Change<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Force Tranquille - Aelab<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>0318 – Fennesz +
Sakamoto<o:p></o:p></b></div>
</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-12696504213351384102012-02-09T00:16:00.002-05:002012-02-09T00:16:19.488-05:00/////All Life/////<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I wish that I had more to say.<br />
All life passes in this way.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-22875877272701922722012-01-13T00:23:00.000-05:002012-01-13T00:23:45.829-05:00The Drop (Parts One and Two)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a hole in the middle <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of an abandoned, ghostly town<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where water sits and cement blocks<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bring half-dead people down.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the hole, there’s a killer<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A-waiting for the man<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who will come up to meet him<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And shake his covered hand<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he’ll drag out the body<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To the nearest blood-red light <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he will let a naked woman<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Strip his soul all night<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he will have a family<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he will feel regret<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he will drown himself that night<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And not surface again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve just the same lost to temptation<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have given up at last<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’ve let the rings around my eyes<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Grow dark and grey too fast<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I am next in line and waiting <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To fall down through that hole<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because this song won’t fix my head or<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All my endless dead-end goals<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that no one’s listening<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that no one’s listening<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that no one’s listening<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s just as well I give it up and drop.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-78135075309524557082011-12-20T04:00:00.004-05:002011-12-20T04:16:47.751-05:00(To Melt)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
God, I am melting.<br />
Sinking, melting, ensnared, churning.<br />
I am turning into a neon glaze onstage,<br />
in front of blue velvet curtains,<br />
diffusing across the floorboards.<br />
The flamenco dancers raise their heavy arms,<br />
and they push down.<br />
The stage fades, the facade collapses,<br />
and now I know<br />
how it feels to melt.<br />
<br />
You're not listening.<br />
<br />
I'm dreaming of lower fidelity dreams.<br />
So that I can't hear myself melting<br />
in all of the white noise,<br />
an ambient hiss that floats around<br />
these polyphonic negative dreams<br />
(make it stop. make it stop-)<br />
It was quiet at first.<br />
Here comes the roar.<br />
God, stop me from melting.<br />
My skin is sloughing off.<br />
Someone. Anyone.<br />
<br />
(Swell, tumult, burst eardrums, silence.)<br />
<br />
The first-story jump out of an open winter window.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-24804943997670181712011-12-12T16:56:00.002-05:002011-12-13T14:07:23.268-05:00Bystander(s)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You wonder how a mass of people don't try to save the man who is next in line. Sure, they know it's wrong, but they don't want to be next. So they'll look on and... enjoy the show.<br />
<br />
The clouds break over the gas station. You're called over, and without further ado, the officer begins to bash your head in with a crowbar. A cheer after every blow. With every passing crunch, more blood lets from your nostrils and eyes. A hard swing, a cheer, and another. And it hurts. But it won't stop. You know it won't stop until you're dead.<br />
<br />
Everywhere, the process of no process is<br />
fractal,<br />
fractured,<br />
fracturing.<br />
<br />
You wonder. You wonder as you sip your peppermint tea, curl up near a warm fire, and vacantly look out the winter window.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-28746207297583830852011-11-24T01:51:00.001-05:002011-11-24T02:07:59.247-05:00GIVINGTHANKS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Overstuffed grey coat.<br />
Worn-out meshed hat.<br />
<br />
Cranberry birds fly down<br />
Feathers fall around me.<br />
<br />
The railroad ends up ahead<br />
Of the curve, they once told me.<br />
There is dirt everywhere.<br />
<br />
Nowhere;<br />
Nothing to do but sleep<br />
Under beautiful light pollution,<br />
Under scared starless skies.<br />
<br />
I would eat,<br />
But I don't want their charity.<br />
I would say it to someone,<br />
But there's no one to thank.<br />
And nothing to be thankful for.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-85800234326990366092011-11-19T04:40:00.001-05:002011-11-19T04:40:03.074-05:00Insomniac Manifesto IV<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i am<br />
such a<br />
tired<br />
ghost</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-16000331940077303252011-11-16T15:16:00.001-05:002011-11-17T03:33:38.808-05:00Saccades (Insomniac Manifesto III)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Did I fall asleep?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm falling asleep with my eyes open.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am falling - I am asleep - I am my eyes that are open.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am at least the velvet, well-intentioned underpinnings</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">of a fevered brain death.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">No. I am just wasted ink.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every third</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">of a</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">second, your</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">retinas skip.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The information</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">received from</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">retinal skipping</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">is new</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">visual input</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">for the</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">brain's cortex</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">to process.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The output</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">feels like</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">a consistent</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">visual flow.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But then</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. you check yourself against reality</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. realize that your vision</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">is so far out of sync</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">and (realizing why)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. you fall asleep.</span></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-52873060030979530212011-11-10T19:55:00.001-05:002011-11-10T22:59:43.910-05:00Insomniac Manifesto II<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. (Box.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is the most desperate</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've felt in a while.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. (Boxed.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm pressing rewind.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I'm listening again.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. ("Boxing")</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nothing good...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nothing good.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. (Boxes.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some rest might solve this.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Someone else might solve this.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. (Boxer.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Deep conflict, pestilent resolve</span></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-82160984019661307012011-11-09T16:35:00.001-05:002011-11-09T16:35:28.463-05:00Optic Flow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">I am drowning in red tape.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">There lies a dark grey box,</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">with many tinier boxes inside.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Sometimes, they let me go home.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">The wallpaper is peeling.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">The children are crying.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Rarely, I go to the attic.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">I put on a record from the 1930s.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Light ballroom music. </span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">A trumpet croons softly </span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">over the sway of a sleepy big band. </span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">The aged stylus mingles</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">with the dust </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">and the warped sounds crackle warmly.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Sometimes it rains from the adhesive sky.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">That gentleness quietly falls into the mix.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">This is when I sit down and </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">flow cascades verdoyant.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">And I write. </span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">And I sing.</span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">And I dream. </span><br style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #efefef; color: #333333; font-family: BergamoStdRegular, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">And I rest.</span></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-44981509032703556612011-11-03T16:30:00.001-05:002011-11-03T16:31:57.570-05:00The Pink Dinosaur of Meritocracy:<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
1. I was up for 24 hours straight.<br />
2. Working, or maybe floating.<br />
3. It's hard to tell that late.<br />
4. I'm here because some people don't work.<br />
5. I am awake because of them, for them.<br />
6. Writing, writing, writing.<br />
7. Validity might be around the corner.<br />
8. But it probably isn't.<br />
---<br />
9. I finally fell asleep.<br />
10. I might've been awake.<br />
11. Maybe I fell somewhere between the two.<br />
12. Or perhaps an infinite amount of souls were floating through me.<br />
13. Either way, you carried me.<br />
14. Several miles, in fact.<br />
15. I only faintly remember<br />
16. Being cast into a tall fire.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1962950017221282086.post-46381609239584989462011-11-02T09:50:00.003-05:002011-11-02T09:53:02.580-05:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
1. The idea.<br />
2. The drums.<br />
3. The rhythm.<br />
4. Then came civilization on the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #f7f0e9; font-family: Georgia, Times, serif; font-size: 12px;">x</span><sup style="background-color: #f7f0e9; font-family: Georgia, Times, serif; text-indent: -24px;">th </sup>day.<br />
5. Speaking of... the crane.<br />
6. I saw it heading south before winter.<br />
7. It was doing nothing important, but<br />
8. It felt the need to roar nonetheless.<br />
9. We wanted to stop it.<br />
10. In some final act of defiance.<br />
11. But then people would be left to wonder<br />
12. "Well, who was playing the drums?"<br />
<br />
13. Terror, boundless, persists.<br />
14. Fabric, calico and ripped.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00461620135053060896noreply@blogger.com0