|a story|

it's fuckin' cold outside today.

i walked over to track practice and when i arrived, i saw that the backdoor to the gym was open. in desperate need of warmth, i walked inside to see several people from the basketball team. no one from the track team. this was awkward. not feeling like i had a place inside, i walked back outside. there were a few cars out there. i walked past them, looking inside of them to see if there were any people from the track team inside. not one. and i kept walking and looking. all of them were basketball players sitting in their cars waiting for the bus to show up. and i got stares in return. no one was going to let me in.

and for this brief instant, i felt like i didn't belong anywhere in the world. like i was just a soulless, destinationless entity wandering in the universe aimlessly, without purpose. this is what being homeless must feel like. looking through windows to see people living comfortably, eating dinner, watching TV, being happy. while you're outside on the street in -7 degree weather, looking for somewhere to go, for someone to warmly receive you.

it doesn't happen.

i finally found asylum in a friend(who i've been friends with for ages, also on the basketball team)'s car. i was no longer homeless. we talked for a few minutes and then the rest of my track team showed up and his bus showed up and life instantly returned back to normal. but i felt as though i had to document this particular moment in my life where i felt that i didn't truly belong. anywhere. i just existed. and it was horrible.

~-~

Apartment 1, Christmas Eve

Hello. it's time for a reality check.

If I was a few years younger at this very moment, I would certainly be asleep by now, anxiously awaiting Santa's arrival. But I'm not. I can make an analogy to the feeling when you finish a shower but you still have water dripping off your fingers. it's like my childhood's dripping off my fingers... slower and slower until it finally stops. we've almost arrived at the stopping point, the point where you stop staring at your fingers in awe at the dripping, dry off, and move on with your day.

My uncle's staying overnight. He's going through a rough patch so we're taking him in. My dad said that my uncle and I had a lot in common, we're both jobless. i feel bad that i don't have a job, because i could if i wanted to. but i don't have enough time in my day, and i'm still convinced that if i promote my music enough, i could use that as a job sometime. i think i'm crazy right now for thinking that, the album's only been downloaded 11 times. but i'm gonna start making more videos, finding more ways to promote, maybe start looking at some shows.

but i genuinely feel as though i'm running out of time. where i'll be at a point where i'll have to get a job in order to sustain myself. college. that point's arriving in one and a half years. and i can't stand the thought of working in the gloomy kingdoms of food service or retail. but what else am i gonna do? there's nothing else a kid can do. we're helpless. we're sheep. slaves. we do as we're told. and that's that. that is, if we want the almighty dollar, or pound, or euro. yen. peso.

it's not that i'm lazy. it's just that i'm confused about my future. am i capable of living the life i dream of living?

drip... drip........... drip.............. drip........................drip..............................................

~-~

ENDO FANERA

HERE'S THE ALBUM, ALL 59.5 MINUTES OF ITT:

http://videosforpictures.bandcamp.com

ALL THE LYRICS ARE POSTED. GO CHECK IT THE FRICK OUT.

~-~

EDIT: OR YOU CAN LISTEN RIGHT HERE:

WHY AM I STILL TYPING IN CAPS? I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW. K BAI?!

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update on the album that's not called exo pamela

Hey Zane, I would love to do another show with you sometime soon! and I completely forgot about that song! and i'm giving you credit for the songs you produced on the album as i remember you asked for that sometime ago. good to hear from you again.

anyways, the album:
turns out that bandcamp only takes ridiculously large files, so the uploading process is taking a lot longer than imagined. i have 11/16 songs up, and I'm working on getting the 5 others up right now.

brb phone... k back.

anywho, that's where i'm at right now. i also decked out the site with various colors and a banner so it's not just all white and bleh. i'm excited to make it open to the public, should be a party and a half.

that's all i have time to say, i'm in the midst of typing up an unnecessarily long lab report and i don't have much time to waste. not that this is wasting time really K I GOTTA GO EXPECT videosforpictures.bandcamp.com TO BE UP FOR YOUR VIEWING BY THE END OF THE WEEK BAI

~-~

exo pamela

The above title is not the name of the compilation that I'm releasing via Bandcamp this weekend.

(stream only. alas).

The songs were recorded between 2007-2009, and there are 16 of them, just under an hour long.

As follows:

Cougar Crossing
Three Neighbors
Internal Clock
Adding to An Echo Chamber
Wake Up Your Eyes
Gargling Mouthwash
Mystery Jesus and the Wonder Wheel
Family
Several Continuations of a Theme
All Day Long
East
The LHC
Crossing II/Nacimiento
In Boxes
Apartment
The Wanderer

Oh yes. It happens.

Link will follow by Sunday.

~-~~

news:news:dissolve

i have three new songs going on. they're titled "Slow Clap for Dunz", "Nightmare (see post prior to this one)", and an untitled one that I'm thinking of calling "Paper Plate". Slow Clap was the original end of Nightmare, but I since got rid of it because I couldn't fit it in right. Paper Plate has a lyrical structure similar to that of Three Neighbors in that there's a common theme among all three verse/stories,. but there are far more lyrics, and it's a lot darker.

my dad finally wants to get around to tuning my piano. he was saving up extra money for oil over the winter i guess, and now that he's done with that, he's willing to tune my extraordinarily flat piano. a piano this flat is the equivalent of a broken arm to me.

in other news, i saw the documentary 'the devil and daniel johnston' and was extraordinarily inspired and awe-struck. His story is so unique and sometimes disturbing, and i recommend that anyone who's a musician gets to watching it.

musical wishlist taim (inb4 holy shit you're a gigantic hipster. [i know.]):

animal collective - fall be kind
interpol - antics
weezer - blue album/pinkerton
blueskies - the blackout sessions
daniel johnston - welcome to my world
mimas - hands will carry/the worries
del tha funky homosapien/tame one - parallel universes
wu-tang clan - Enter The Wu-Tang (36 chambers)
maps and atlases - trees,swallows,houses
broken social scene - you forgot it in people
wolf parade - apologies to the queen and mary
dan deacon - bromst
atlas sound - logos
built to spill - perfect from now on/keep it like a secret
grandaddy - under the western freeway

maybe some stuff by great lake swimmers and prefuse 73.

and empire state of mind by jay-z.

ttfn.

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